And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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