five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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