Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
