He told me they were just razor bumps!
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
