i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
