Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
