We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
