Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
