i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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