I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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