There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
