im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
