I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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