so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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