i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
