put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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