Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
this boner is exhausting
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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