I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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