My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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