Redeem this text for a blowjob
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
