there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
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She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
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Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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