I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
