in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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