Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
