My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Someone shit on the floor
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Your cock deserves a montage
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
