I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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