Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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