You made me cry and you don't even care
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
