I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Randomize
