I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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