I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
