Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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