i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize
