Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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