I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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