First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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