If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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