If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
