I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
