I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize