I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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