I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
