i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Randomize
