Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
MIDGETS
????
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
