I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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