i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Randomize
