"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
