And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
