somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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