I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
