i need an iv and a liver transplant
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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