Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
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