she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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