Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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