hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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