I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
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In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
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Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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