with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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