Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
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I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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