i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
she pinky promised me she was 18
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
