A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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