I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
