i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
