Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
