I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
you will always have a special place in my vag
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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